Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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