Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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