I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
