i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
