I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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