he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
