my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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