but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
