I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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