I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
