the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Say something about gay babies.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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