Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So much rum. So many feels.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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