I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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