Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
bring money and cleavage
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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