Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
soo... how was my night?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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