I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
