I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
