I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
