This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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