we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Never joke about your clitoris.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize