Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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