Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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