idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize