I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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