Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
