I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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