I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
