I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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