i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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