remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
