Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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