Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
