Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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