So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
