Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
