I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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