So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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