if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
