I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
