dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
