haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
