were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
