so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
