I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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