Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
