There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize