I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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