i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
