We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Im part way to drunk.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
