im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
