I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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