Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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