dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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