So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
