sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
